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Saturday, April 10, 2010

The Celebration Room

So at the weight loss center they have a special room (closet) where they take you to weigh-in. They call it the 'Celebration Room'. (Hope springs eternal.)


It is as cheerful as it is small and the walls are covered with colorful balloons and poster boards with photos and signatures of other 'losers'. There's a 10 lb poster board, 15 lbs and so on. All the way up to 100 lbs. (I know. 100 lbs! Way to go!) 


On top of a small table in the room is a bright red stuffed crab. No, not the kind from Red Lobster. It's Sebastian from 'Under the Sea.' When you have a significant weight-loss,they squeeze his claw and he dances and sings "Feelin Hot Hot Hot!"  Seriously.

But do you know what really looms larger than life for me in the Celebration Room? It's that dubious fair weather friend. That tattletale that out-tattles your little brother. The betrayer without a conscience and the ultimate lie detector. It's the mother with eyes in the back of her head. The cop, judge and jury. You guessed it. It's that-never-lets-you-get-away-with-anything, all knowing, all seeing smug son-of-a-you-know-what SCALE!




And while I have never thought that I could fool a lie detector, I have often believed that I could fool a scale. After cheating on diet after diet, I have stepped on scale after scale, holding my breath and hoping against hope that justice (magic) will prevail and that scale will give me the number of my dreams. Never happened. Not once.

Now having said that, weighing in can be a fine tuned skill. An art, if you will. And if you possess that skill, the numbers can be manipulated to a certain degree. I have witnessed other 'losers' whom have perfected this talent to quite an impressive degree. It involves wearing the lightest weight clothing, emptying your pockets, and removing all of your jewelry and not eating or drinking water a hour or two before your weigh-in. A quick visit to the potty is also recommended by connoisseurs of the weigh-in ritual.

In fact, this particular 'Celebration Room' used to have a door which had to be removed in order to discourage the women from peeling off most of their clothing before stepping on the dreaded 'teller of truths'.

Anyway, my moment of truth showed a loss of 3 pounds since Monday, which I guess is not too shabby for someone who spent Monday and Tuesday eating as though she were on death row.

But I have to tell you. More than anything, next time I want that crab to dance and sing for me!

'Feelin Hot Hot Hot.'


2 comments:

  1. Way to go on the three pounds!! Very funny post, too. I think it's a great sign that you still have your sense of humor. The first couple of weeks are the hardest, I think.

    Lori

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  2. Great results...hilariously written!!!!

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