Weights and Measures

So Wednesday was day 10 of the HCG injections, day 8 of the 500 calorie diet and my second weigh-in at the weigh loss center. It all went down like this:


My weight loss consultant (interrogator, priest, shrink, rabbi, confidant) brings me into a small office (confessional) and questions (grills) me about the last few days.  She wants to know how much water I am drinking, down to the ounce. Next, she looks over my my food journal, the sum which could fit on a postage stamp and questions me about my intake of herbs and vitamins, takes my blood pressure and records everything on my chart.  


Today I am also due for measurements. Now, for just a second I thought she was going to entertain me with a magic trick because she opens a desk drawer and begins to pull out a measuring tape that seems to have no end to it. Seriously, this thing is long enough to calculate the distance from the earth to the moon.  And while I have never seen anyone in the center large enough to need anything close to this much tape, I understand the logic. Can you imagine being told that they just don't have a long enough tape to go around you? It wouldn't take much more than that to send me right over the edge.   Anyway, this measurement was nothing,if not thorough. I was measured from my neck all the way down to my cankles. 

She tells me I have lost of total of 6.75 inches. Okay. I'm feeling pretty good about that until she leads me to the 'Celebration Room' for the weigh-in.  It's no secret that there has never been any love lost between the scale and me and today is no exception. Even that son-of-crab Sebastian remains gut-wrenchingly silent. Since my last weigh-in 5 days earlier, I have only lost another pound and a half. UGH!


"Good job", my consultant says, as I fight back tears. I am disappointed and she is compassionate and suspicious. I think I understand her. Whiles she has probably listened to more whining and held more hands than a first grade teacher,I bet she has also heard more excuses than a traffic cop with a ticket book.


She leads me back to the office where she hides all the sharp objects as I collapse into the chair moaning, "Why, why, why?" After we discuss my food choices again, and she is convinced (I think) that I didn't cheat (I didn't!) she assures me that 4.5 pounds & 6.75 inches in 10 days is respectable.


The problem is, is that I didn't sign up for respectable. I came to play and at this point I am not above fighting dirty. So I beg her for every trick in the book and here's what she tells me:

• Drink More Water (As it is, I feel like I'm on the HC-PEE diet)
• Stick with white fish like tuna and scallops. No beef or chicken. (Whimper.)
• Drink less Coffee (Whine)
• Drink a special tea from the health food store, called 'Smooth Move'. (nuff said?)
• Take an appetite suppressant. (So'll I'll eat less?)
• Try an apple fast. Eat only apples all day. (In case the 'Smooth Move' doesn't work?)
• No body lotion with oil in it. (Aha! So it's my moisturizer that's making me fat!)

Okay, so with a new plan of attack, I am even more determined to persevere. I'll drink water till my teeth float if that's what it takes!  I'll drink special teas and eat apples till they're coming out of my ears!


I want a cookie.